Octavius in the WorkplaceJust a technical note: the last 2 lines came first. It’s an interesting experiment to write a poem backwards. (Note at 12:03AM 12/31: changed 'tongue' to 'speech' in S1-L3 to avoid the repetition in S2-L4 and its resultant cheapening.)
He yearned to dwell in haughty office heights
and lose his common sense of vertigo.
His speech grew sharper, every word he spoke
spit acid in the eye of friend or foe.
Bit by bit he learned the ways to slay
and stay alive within that neighborhood;
in a world of snakes and vipers, venom
is the only tongue that’s understood.
COLD AND SOLITUDE
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Freezing weather here after a snowfall. Here again is a winter hokku by
Hashin: No sky, no earth;Only snowCeaselessly falling. And here is Kimio
Eto playin...
4 months ago
3 comments:
Not so sure about that "slouch", because I think I like this octave better even than some of your recent sonnets on the same topic. It perfectly expresses reality.
On another note, I've sometimes before written poems to a final line or to a title...it's a different experience, but I think its worth it. When that perfect ending line leaps into my head in the middle of doing something else, I write it down, then try to write a poem leading up to it later on.
I agree with Andrew, pretty much entirely. My only thought of material critique-- perhaps changing "eye" in S1 L4 to "face," a bit trite perhaps as an image, but it develops an alliterative change from the s/c sounds of the first half and the f's of the second-- and (I think) sets up a nice caesura between "spit acid in the face" and "of friend or foe" that seems to me to work at the end of that stanza.
Also want to say: I like especially some of the phrases-- "haughty office heights," "common sense of vertigo," and the tongue development at the close, with "the only tongue that's understood" working quite well.
All said, I like this octave quite a lot. :-)
Thanks both.
Andrew, I may have to try that more often. Usually when I come up with what I think is a killer line, I either begin the poem with it, or maybe set it up with a line or 2. Very seldom do I work the entire poem towards it. And I enjoyed that.
J, I might take you up on the 'face' for 'eye' substitution. It is nicely alliterative.
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