There! It's still in draft form but at least it goes where I was headed.
Cold-Blooded Observation
Roots have been exposed along the trail.
Persistent hiking boots have worn away
the earth around them. (They look the way I feel—
even the spruce trees have turned completely gray.)
I see a snake!. At first I think it’s just
another tendril loose from all that wear.
But then I see its tongue. In woods we trust
but everything is soon in disrepair
except this snake. It slides with certain grace
reminding me that movement is itself
a blessing. I locate a resting place
and watch it twist and turn from up above.
I may not be eternal in this form
but if I keep on moving I’ll stay warm.
Gregory Perry 2004
COLD AND SOLITUDE
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Freezing weather here after a snowfall. Here again is a winter hokku by
Hashin: No sky, no earth;Only snowCeaselessly falling. And here is Kimio
Eto playin...
3 months ago
4 comments:
I'm a little bothered by "In woods we trust." Every time I read this, I read the phrase "woods we trust" as a subject rather than as a subject and a predicate. I think you're saying "In woods, we trust, but blah," but I falter on this because I'm expecting something like "In woods we trust, we can expect blah." I also don't know that the contrary conjunction here fits; disrepair and trust aren't necessarily contradictory. This problematic section aside, it's a nice poem.
I agree it's a problematic section. I've revised the lines as such:
............In woods we trust
but woodlands live in states of disrepair—
but not this snake. ...............
I've been thinking of adding the commas around "we trust" but really like the play of words with "In God we trust". I really appreciate the feedbak. Thanks. By the way, the latest revision is here:
http://themust.blogspot.com/2004/06/paradise-03.html
actually i prefer that line just the way it is. it might be my favorite part.
I'm still working it though "in woods we trust" might be one of those darlings I should kill. But I can't pull the trigger.
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