Almost a Love Sonnet
Over the water, an eagle floats
along the currents of the wind
with all the presence of a man
in love. Its flight is disciplined
by clouds alone.
By following
the curve of river, it found itself
direction, sailing to verdant seas
that sow the continental shelf,
and settled in an evergreen
to wait for sustenance, or sounds
made by some passion trespassing.
When either happens, it surrounds
the air around itself with wings
embracing all the lift it brings.
COLD AND SOLITUDE
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Freezing weather here after a snowfall. Here again is a winter hokku by
Hashin: No sky, no earth;Only snowCeaselessly falling. And here is Kimio
Eto playin...
3 months ago
2 comments:
Greg, I like this, but I have a few nits.
I think the second stanza ought to be kept in the present tense, "it finds itself / direction...", except for a future tense near the end, "it will surround / the air..." (You'd probably need to change L10 to "sustenance, or a sound..." Heck, one sound would be enough for sudden flight; this might be more evocative.)
L11 and L14 seem forced, are awkward phrasings that don't tell me much; they're so abstract and almost nonsensical.
Hey, keep up the poetry posting. I started a "daily posting" feature, for poems, at my blog, but I've hit a poetry block. (to go along with bouts of blogging block...)
Thanks Curtis for the comments. I really do appreciate them. Although at this time, I do not agree with them. At this time I prefer to keep the second part of the poem in the past. It's actually the prequel to the beginning of the poem. Hence the line stagger (another passing cloud). L-14 I strongly believe is not forced, it is the segue to line 1, and the present. L-11, I'm not so vehement in my defense. It was the last revision to the poem, "passion", that is. At this time I like its play on 'person' although I'm not ready to put it in stone.
I have seen your poetry feature, but too often I read your blog in Bloglines, forgetting about that format. I will try to remember. But there are so many blogs and so few clicks, that I find Bloglines an naswer.
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